Who I Want to Be

Surrounded by hanging clothes and scattered shoes, we stood in our closet talking. The rows of clothing provide the needed buffer for our more private conversations.

​The night before, one of our children had been disrespectful when I had asked him to do something. In my mind, I had spoken firmly and was justified in my strong response, but my husband saw the situation differently. The truth is, our teen had hit a raw place in my heart and I had come out swinging with too many words.

What I did not want to do at the moment was admit my part and acknowledge that my husband was right. He continued, “I see and hear who you want to be and the relationship you want to build with the kids, but I’m just not sure those kinds of responses will result in what you are hoping for.” He was reminding me of my greater desire and it enabled me to see beyond the moment and admit my wrong. We can learn the importance of admitting wrong when we read the story of David and Abigail In I Samuel 25.

This story has always captured my imagination. In this story, David was angry. Very angry. He was going through a hard time. He had spent a long time on the run hiding from Saul and then his long-time trusted mentor, the Prophet Samuel, had just died. Low on supplies both internally and externally, he was in a vulnerable place.

​David sent men to ask Nabal, a rich man in Maon, for much needed supplies. They greeted Nabal with blessings and reminders of the kindness and protection David and his small army had provided Nabal’s servants. Nabal’s response was not one of grace but instead, was laced with insults. Nabal called David a nobody, insulted his family lineage and treated him with contempt. David, the one who had killed Goliath and the one who had chosen to not kill Saul when he had the chance, took this insult to heart and decided on revenge. Nabal’s response to David hit a raw place in him and he made up his mind to defend his honor. It was one too many blows and David was faltering.

At this crucial moment, in stepped Nabal’s wife, Abigail. After finding David, Abigail bowed low and offered him the gift of perspective. She reminded him he was a future king made to fight the Lord’s battles; he was held securely by God and he did not want to be someone who would have to carry the guilt of needless bloodshed. David accepted what she offered with humility and gratefulness.

I love to imagine myself as Abigail in this story, but oftentimes I am actually David. I am the one acting in a way that is contrary to who I want to be and need to be reminded of who I am in Christ. I may not kill with a sword, but I am pretty skilled with words. When an ‘Abigail’ steps into my life to confront the harmful ways I sometimes relate to others, I can learn from David’s response. Listening to correction takes humility and is not easy in the moment, but it leads to a more godly life. 

When reading this story, I am forced to ask myself if there are ways I protect myself at the expense of others and if I listen when others see in me what I cannot. Sometimes our Abigail comes in the form of a person and sometimes it is the still and small voice of the Holy Spirit, but it is always gentle mercy from God. The question for our lives is “Will we listen?”

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”  Psalm 139:23-24 (NIV)

About the Author

Hi! I'm Wendy Gerdes and I live in Omaha, NE. I've lived here most of my life except for a few years in Florida where I attended Bible school and started married life with my husband, John. We moved back to Omaha with our oldest two sons and had two more children shortly after. We have 3 sons and 1 daughter. I am passionate about motherhood and love the creative work of partnering with God to help our kids develop into who He designed them to be! I love to write, read, hiking and being outdoors. I am most passionate about learning and writing about God's heart for us because when we see his heart for us, it changes everything! Connect with me at wendygerdes.com.