Silent Grief

​​Have you ever experienced hidden grief? The kind that sits deep in the pit of your stomach and gnaws away at you little by little? The kind that brings you to your knees?
 
I have silently grieved the ever-so-elusive positive pregnancy test. I have smiled, celebrating friends giving birth, while my own womb remains barren. I have spent nights weeping and bargaining with the Lord; at times, angry with His withholding of my deepest desire. 
 
When the Lord granted my desires and I became an overnight mother to four foster children, I grieved for their loss. I felt their pain while I celebrated my own gain. 

It’s been two years since, and now I sit and silently grieve the unknown of their future. Selfishly, I grieve my own potential loss— the loss of no longer getting to be their mother. But I also  grieve for the uncertainty of their safety, and for the cruelty of this world broken by sin. I have found myself back in that familiar dark corner of my faith, bargaining with God again.
 
I have questioned His goodness, and even His faithfulness. Lord, why are you hiding yourself? Where are you in this mess - in my grief and anguish? 
 
Are there areas in your life that you find yourself sitting in silent grief? Are you waiting for the Lord to show Himself to you, to unveil the beauty in His plan?   
 
I have related to the story of Hannah. Hannah endured infertility for years, to the point of being chastised by her husband’s other wife, Peninnah, for her barren womb. Despite her husband's great love for her, Hannah felt alone in her torment. She suffered through torturous, suffocating grief.
 
1 Samuel 10 tells us that, “in her deep anguish, Hannah prayed to the Lord weeping bitterly.” As Eli, the priest, looks on, she begs the Lord to look upon His “servant’s misery” (vs. 11). She promises if He’ll grant her a son, she’ll return him back unto the Lord, to serve Him in the temple.
 
The Lord eventually granted Hannah a son and she named him Samuel. After years of deep grief and anguish, Hannah had finally become pregnant— the Lord fulfilled her deepest desire. After nursing and weaning him, Hannah made good on her promise. She gave Samuel back to the Lord as an offering for His faithfulness.
 
And I would imagine that Hannah grieved. 
 
Sometimes, I think that everything should work out in my favor since I have struggled to get to this place, as a mother. Somehow I feel like I am owed something for my years of suffering, but if I allow myself to get wrapped up in that mindset, I miss the bigger picture of what the Lord is doing.  
 
Hannah could have felt entitled to keep Samuel for her own. After all those years of prayer, didn’t she deserve her happily ever after? If you read the rest of the story, however, the Lord went on to use Samuel to do incredible things for Israel. Hannah’s journey- the joy andthe grief- was not in vain!
 
Life is full of heartbreak. Some sorrow is apparent, while other sorrow lies silently under the surface. In a world that is broken by sin, no one gets out unscathed. We can find hope in Hannah’s story— the Lord can use your angst for His glory. He is faithful to sustain us in our deepest seasons of bitter anguish. Jesus will use our trials and our pain, to mold us and use us for His purpose.
 
When grief overcomes you with its heavy waves, focus your eyes on Jesus. We can’t control every aspect of our lives, but we can trust in the One who can. He orchestrates every part of our lives for His good plans.
 

About the Author

Hello! My name is Laura Pendley. I am a wife, foster mama, and Special Education teacher. Writer has served as an incredible outlet for me through the years as we have walked through infertility and into foster care. Our journey hasn't been easy, but the Lord has used it to grow us in ways we never thought possible. I am passionate about foster care and providing resources and support for children and families in need. I hope through sharing my own experiences, I can encourage other women to lean into Jesus and trust in His perfect plan for their life.

Follow Laura at her blog at www.pursuingus.com

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