My daughter really lost control the other day.
I don’t really remember the why, right now, but what she taught me, I will never forget.
When my older children were younger, I assumed that when they loss of control emotionally, they were really having tantrums but Mia’s display changed my perspective.
It wasn’t about getting her way, or seeking my undivided attention. It was about sharing her breaking point.
This child, who is perfect for her teachers, who is quiet and unassuming with friends and polite with family members, trusts me.
She trusts me with her vulnerability.
She trusts me with her deepest feelings in the furthest recesses of her heart.
She trusts me enough to lose control.
Her raw emotions prompted me to examine my own relationship with God.
I call Him Father, yet I make failed attempts at veiling the array of emotions that I have locked away, from His presence.
I call Him friend, yet when I linger in His company, I share only my pious smile while I disguise my aching heart.
I call Him Lord, yet I only reveal my slight disappointments while I hide the big regrets deep down.
I never realized that my poised, controlled prayers were revealing secrets that I had hidden away: that I didn’t trust Him to love me through my worst, to stick around through my anger, to hold me close through my regrets. I didn’t trust that He would meet me where I was.
I didn’t trust Him enough to lose control.
It was at my daughter’s breaking point, I saw His perfect love once more.
My father can handle my good, my bad, and my ugly, because He redeemed me at my worst.
My friend doesn’t need the propped up version I have of myself, because there is nothing hidden from Him.
My Lord doesn’t want my poised, controlled, well thought out prayers, but He does want me to fully trust Him enough to surrender and believe that He can and will handle everything on my behalf.
Friend, if you are covering your hurting heart with forced humility, if you are sheltering God from your worst, know that maintaining control is not a demonstration of your faith or your trust.
Believe that when you share from the deep, it is a posture of worship before Him, as it is in those moments of utter despair that we find hope, and we begin to believe His promise that He will work everything out for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).
Word of the Day:
Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken Psalm 55:22 (NIV).
Lord, you are my rock, my fortress, my deliverer; it is in you that I trust. Thank you for your overwhelming love for me despite my constant desire to hold back pieces of myself and control of situations. Today I ask that you reach into the recesses of my heart and turn every part that has not surrendered to you, in Jesus’ name, amen.